Southerners are like the tortured sports fans of doomed franchises. Think of how Browns fans feel about their football team, and then multiply that by 100 years of intolerance, buffoonery, and self-inflicted wounds. They're always the first region of people to get disappointed.
Thought you'd secede from the Union? Sorry to disappoint you, guys. Have fun with Reconstruction! Segregation? Sorry, guys. Turns out black people are people no matter how many you kill. Thought you'd be the only state to talk about planes on your license plates? Not so fast! said Ohio.
To break it down simply, as Faulkner said (though speaking of the eternal ramifications of slavery in Absalom, Absalom!, which, all things considered, is far too heavy for a conversation about snow), the South is cursed.
It's no different when it comes to the weather. I'll never understand Southerners that move to a naturally colder climate and b*tch about the cold. You get what you pay for. It literally comes with the territory.
I would, and did, trade a 4-5 month North Carolina summer replete with mosquitoes, dead grass, droughts, mosquitoes, fire ants, mosquitoes, strangling humidity, and jars filled with fireflies (sorry, kids; you did kill them) for however long winter lasts in NYC.
Whether it's not having to wait for the false promise of snow, or simply finding so much more to do in a world covered in it, there are 6 distinct qualities of NYC snow that I truly love as a (what one reader would call: "snowflake transplant") Southerner who wasn't always used to it.
1. It actually snows
hideminy_newyork First Snow in NYC❄️❄️❄️ #firstsnow #firstsnowfall #firstsnowoftheyear #snow #snowday #snowfall #nycsnow #ny #nyc #NewYork #newyorkcity #Hideminy #Hideminynewyork #instany #instagramnyc #nycstreets #bicycle #bike #citibike #manhattan #nycinstagram #nycliving #nyclife #beautifulday #winter #初雪 #ニューヨーク #シティバイク #bikeshare #自転車
No sh*t it actually snows. That's not what I mean. In NYC, it snows, and then it snows. In North Carolina (specifically the Piedmont-Triad area), you get a little bit of snow. Then it stops. Then it freezes. Then it's ice.
NC is really, really good at getting ice. Like, unbelievably good at it. You'd be surprised. We rarely ever get consecutive days of manageable powder.
[anad]
What's manageable powder? This concept is most easily demonstrated by the destructive potential of a snowball. If it feels like a rock, then it hits like a rock. Of course, you always find this out the hard way on the second day when someone whips a nicely packed ice chunk at your face.
Manageable powder is the nice balance of soft and compact snow. Ideal consistency. NC snowball fights make you fear for your life in the second day (to be clear: there isn't always a second day. It melts because, the South). Snowball fighting is a bloodsport. It's like Concussion: TELL THE TRUTH!
2. The world doesn’t stop
myuncuratedlife So hilarious had to share 😂 #newyorkpost #ny #nypost #winter #oscars #white #newyork #headline #noblacks #oscarawards #snow #nycity #nyc #nycsnow #nycsnowstorm #snowstorm #myuncuratedlife
File this under "There's no Bullsh*t State of Emergency." Seriously, though. I get it. The South gets it. The north is prepared for snow because they actually get snow. The South shuts everything down the minute somebody says "sleet."
Schools get closed, roads, churches-- everything grinds to a halt for fear of a little slide on the ice. Sure, it's not fun, but damn do we look stupid when whole counties shut down hours before 2 inches of snow falls!
NYC lays out a plan; and NC reacts to what happens. That might be necessary as NC never really knows what it's getting when they think they're getting snow, but more often than not it goes like: "We got snow. The roads are covered. Nobody move. We'll fix it when it's not so cold."
Again, NYC lays out a plan. Even if they don't always follow the plan, you learn to find comfort in at least thinking someone believes that they think they maybe might know what they're doing.
3. More places to actually enjoy it
When you're in the south, you go out wherever you are just to enjoy it. Time is precious. You know you don't have much of it, so you seek out the nearest hills to sled for a few hours.
Ain't nobody got purdier snow than NYC. Seriously. There are places in NYC that look so damn good in the snow that you go there just to gawk at it. Sure, that's a little transplanty, campy, what have you, but what New Yorker wouldn't admit they already know how dope it is?
[anad2]
"Yeah, if you lived here all your life, you wouldn't be so surprised, snowflake transplant."
Isn't that the effing point? To move-- anywhere; to capture any moment you haven't felt for yourself? Lewis and Clarke weren't like, "Nah. We good here. East Coast all day." They were like, "Yo! Sacagawea! Show us the world!"
,4. The amount of snow
Okay, so this is limited to the places in NC that don't get a lot. Yes, there are mountains in NC (called Appalachians, and how you say it is how you know it), and they get lots of snow in Boone and Asheville.
But for the most part, we get excited over little things, say, less than an inch. That means no school. That means taking an hour to build a snowman that will melt in the brief hours after. There is never a whole lot to work with.
[anad]
NYC doesn't really have that problem. We get inches and inches. The standard is snowman-manageable. Not only that, but there's an expected frequency of snowfall. NC gets excited for one or two inches, one or two times a year. In NYC, you can always expect at least a handful.
5. You're not totally f*cked if you get trapped in it
I got trapped out in the street during a snow storm. In NC that means the city don't send out plows until the morning, and the roads are a veritable sh*t show. That means walk. Walk means walk to the closest bar. The closest bar smells like any of the worst smelling bars imaginable.
What can you do? Take a shot, double down, take a bottle-- never a draft because this bar's lines are disgusting with sugar --throw it back. Welcome to Hell. You're stuck.
In NYC? Hello, subway (as long as it's actually running correctly, but even delays are a welcome alternative to none at all). Hello, another-block-away-there's-another-bar-restaurant-or-place-of-warmth.
Even if you're not in the warmth of your tiny apartment, you're within a stone's throw of something else.
6. Bodega > Walmart
mss_kimmie This #walmart is crazy because it's closing and everything is 50% off! Been in the checkout line for over an hour. @exmss_samantha & I came for a car seat and found one! We also found, among other things, 1/2 off GF cream of mushroom soup! Yay!
People getting ready for any impending weather-related disaster are just awful. If you want to see the worst of humanity at such times, go to Walmart. It's like Black Friday.
I lived in a town where hanging out in Walmart was a fun way to pass the time. Ain't got a mall? Head on down to Wally-world, grab a scooter, ride a bike up and down the aisles, run from security, try and steal some beer (I may or may not have done one or more of those things in middle school).
But not before a storm of any kind. It's hell. Sure, the world wants to believe New Yorkers are mean. Maybe they are. They have a disdain for snowflake transplants that come in and gentrify, and sometimes that hatred is acceptable, even warranted.
[anad2]
But you don't see awful people in bodegas looking for milk, eggs, and bread. You see New Yorkers getting milk, eggs, and bread. The Bodega is sanctuary.
At a bodega, if you're a regular, you know you're a regular, and so does the guy behind the counter. They know why you're there, they give you a heads up if they're out of what you need, and they wish you the best the moment you head out the door.
Check out 5 Most Important Things to Remember When Ordering Delivery in NYC Snow.
[Feature Image Courtesy Youtube]