Living in New York City is kind of insane. We do things here that no one in any other cities ever do.
Like, on any given day, we might pass a rat, step over a manhole, get splashed by a cab, and then climb up to our fifth floor walk-up just to find out our roommate's having a rager.
The weirdest thing about living in NYC is that weird stuff is constantly happening.
Actually, that's not true. The weirdest part is that weird stuff is constantly happening to everyone, so no one really wants to hear your story about how you saw someone from your high school on the street.
Everyone you'd be tempted to regale with that tale probably also ran into someone they knew. They probably also drank with a rap legend last night, or met a celebrity out to dinner.
So, we're all leading pretty crazy lives, and we all wind up asking ourselves a lot of crazy questions. Read on to find out what they are.
1. It's 1 a.m. Should I go out?
Yeah, our bars close at 4 a.m. NYC partying is very late.
It does tend to happen that we're chilling, drinking in our apartments, and the clock strikes 1 a.m. and we think to ourselves, hmmm. Should we go out?
[anad]
People in other cities' bars close at 2 a.m., so it wouldn't really make sense for them to go out at 1 a.m., you know? We, on the other hand, would still have three solid hours of partying.
2. Do I really need a dishwasher?
sky_management #nycapartment #apartment #renovatedapartment #nycrealestate #realestatenyc #nyckitchen #nycbath #apartmentforrent #interiordesign #manhattan #urbanliving #urbanapartment #nyc #newyorkcity #rent #uptown #downtown
Newsflash: other people in other cities would never ask themselves this question, because they're not forced to decide between having a dishwasher and forfeiting an extra foot of space in their bedrooms.
Sadly for us, a lot of us decide no, we don't really need a dishwasher. Cue dishes piling up in the sink.
Does this provoke outrage in us when we visit our out-of-town friends who have huge ovens, dishwashers, and multiple floors of space for half the price? Yes, it definitely does.
3. Why is this film trailer in my way?
Yeah, sorry New Yorkers, but everyone from everywhere else, probably even including Hollywood residents, would be like, what movie is this?
Instead, we're like, why is this film trailer taking up room on my street? Who do these people think they are?
4. Should I hold the doors open?
fjc_photography After an amazing dinner with @michs2 I take a walk to the bathroom n see this. Pretty cool, lil creepy. #inriva #riverside #subwaydoors #donotleanondoor #creepysubway #creepycool #horrorart #horrorjunkie
Or, translation: is getting on this particular train worth the possible loss of my arm?
Okay, no, the subway doors probably won't chop off one of your limbs, but they do really hurt when they close on you. The point is, New Yorkers go to extreme lengths when we're rushing because, let's face it, we're probably already late.
5. Will I get stopped and frisked on the subway?
Okay, if you're asking our opinions, stop and frisk is bullsh*t and a violation of our Fourth Amendment rights, but, whatever. It exists.
So when the guy comes over the loudspeaker of the subway and says, "backpacks or other large parcels are subject to random search" we have to be like, Oh no! Will we get searched?
People who live in other places don't have to deal with that. They can't get searched without probable cause, or the plain view exception, or a search warrant. We can get searched for no reason, which is lame, but we love living here, so we deal with that threat.
6. Should I jaywalk?
We're kidding. No New Yorkers ask themselves this question. We just always jaywalk, and sometimes we cross the streets at a dead sprint because the cars are far enough away and we really want to make the subway.
There's really nothing quite like jaywalking right in front of a parent who's busy lecturing their child about why they can't cross the street unless the person is flashing. Whoops!
7. Should I drink on a Monday?
Yeah, you should drink on a Monday.
Paradoxically, one of the biggest drinking nights in NYC winds up being Tuesday night. Probably because we go hard, and we love breaking barriers.
Maybe people who live in more reasonable cities would think to themselves, hmm, I have to work tomorrow! I probably shouldn't stay out until 4 a.m. taking shots of tequila.
That doesn't occur to us as often as we sometimes wish it would.
8. Should I order second dinner from Seamless?
ericsong9 You know what this is #halalguys #chickenoverrice #foodinnyc #toomuchhotsauce #toospicy #2nddinner #먹방 #뉴욕시티 #nyc #foodstagram #먹스타그램
Okay, we're guessing other cities have Grubhub, but we're guessing it's a very uniquely NYC thing to make ourselves the world's healthiest dinner at 6 p.m., and then spend the next five hours resisting Seamless.
When it only takes a couple clicks to get mozzarella sticks brought up the stairs to your fourth floor walk-up for $15, though, you're going to wind up just ordering Seamless, regardless of the quinoa you made earlier.
9. Should I rip that person's head off their neck?
the3darknights Ever get so mad, you just start skankin' around the place? Ya, me too. #anger #slamdance #skankinpickle #jeju #koreastyle #slipperywhenwet
Okay, to be clear none of us actually plan on enacting violence. Do we want to? Yeah, we want to, all day long.
When someone jostles our bag, we want to shove them. When someone gets in our way, stops on the sidewalk, or gets on the train before we get on, we're so angry, we fantasize about shoving them really hard.
We're thinking that people who live in other cities with plenty more open space and a lot less crowding would be far less likely to fantasize about violence.
10. Should I name a cockroach after my ex?
Yeah, we have a termite problem. Rats, cockroaches, and mice don't phase us. Cockroaches are even on display in the Bronx Zoo.
Really, dealing with cockroaches is pretty par for the course of living in this city. We're guessing people in other cities would see a cockroach, and instead of placidly wondering if they should kill it, their thought would be more like, "Ah! A cockroach!"
Instead, we're like, "should we name that cockroach after our ex?" The Bronx Zoo is offering this service for $10. We're really considering it!
11. Why do I love dogs so much more than people?
bacon_of_nyc ☁️🌨❄️🌬 Stayin' in today. 🏉NFL playoffs. 📰New York Times. 🎥Netflix. 🍕Seamless delivery. #Yorkie #puppy #yorkiesofinstagram #puppiesofinstagram #yorkshire #terrier #dogstagram #nycpuppies #nycdogs #newyork #nycyorkie #puppylove #puppies #baconeggandcheese #newyorkcity #yorky #yorkiepuppy #instapuppy #saturday #dogsofinstagram #instadog #ilovemydog #doglovers #dog#yorkiegram #proudyorkies_feature #yorkiesofinstagram1
Lots of New Yorkers ponder this existential question daily.
Then, we get shoved on the subway by people, jostled on the train stairs by people, scoffed at by people, and finally get out to the street.
Then we see a happy little puppy, panting, wagging its tail and so excited to be out in the world. Then, we remember why we love dogs more than people.
12. Should I sprint in front of that person smoking?
ellainemorales You may be satisfied with the effect of cigarette on your body but i hope it doesn't make you inconsiderate of other people's health. You might not care about your health, but we care for our own. You're not just putting your life in extreme danger, you put ours too. Come on, at least stay away when smoking or lock up yourself in a room and make sure before you even get out, you don't leave any hints of nicotine inside. #UtangNaLoob #secondhandsmoke #pleasecare #shoutouttosmokers #poorlungs
Actually, we don't so much wonder this as much as we just break into a casual sprint, walking on the sidewalk, because the person in front of us was smoking.
After walking behind this person for a few paces, we decide we actually don't feel like getting cigarette smoke blown in our face.
[anad2]
A few paces after that, we remember we don't care what anyone thinks of us. So we break into a jog to pass the person, and relish continuing to walk while breathing fresh, secondhand-smoke-less air.
13. Should I have this extremely private phone conversation in public?
We're kidding about this one, too. We don't wonder whether we should do this. We just do it.
Remember how we said we don't care what anyone thinks? Yeah, we really, really don't care what anyone thinks, so we'll talk about anything on our phones in public.
We mean it, and use your imaginations on this one. Anything.
Check out 14 Absolute Craziest Questions Only New Yorkers Ask Themselves.